#givingdepressionthefinger

Inspiration comes in many forms. Mine came when I discovered that a friend was enduring the same pain as I was, at the same time, a hundred miles away. She began to talk about her depression on Facebook. She didn't know it, but I was glued to her every word. When she took up hiking as a tool to battle her depression she created a hashtag to go along with it: #givingdepressionthefinger. It's now my mantra. I also began using hiking as a tool. Really, I was already hiking, but for some reason this small motivation gave more depth to my action. Hiking is currently a priority that I see to as diligently as showering.

She and I have not discussed this. I have only openly discussed my struggle with Eric, and casually mentioned it with a few friends I consider close. I'm a very private person (this is why blogging terrifies me--step out of your comfort zone Amy!). Depression can be easy to hide with enough effort. There is also that thing. The stigmatization of depression as if it's some sort of shameful mental disorder. Which is lame when you consider how many of us have/are/will suffer from it at some point in our lives.

Depression has unfortunately become my best friend. It's with me everywhere I go. Sometimes it brings along its friends, Anxiety and Introversion. They taunt and torment me like a couple of playground bullies. I am fighting back and I'm winning. This is not my first ride on the depression merry-go-round. It's been part of my life since puberty. This is the first time in over a decade it's brought me down so low. Depression becomes a downward spiral. I know what I need to do to help myself, but doing those things with consistency becomes overwhelming. My thoughts become shattered and nothing seems important any more. Days go by. I wallow in my own darkness. Then a focused thought (or hashtag) emerges and I grasp at it like a life line and I lift myself back up.
On the bright side, I've learned something about myself through all of this. Last summer I was riding a high. I was unstably euphoric; feeling and acting in ways that were out of character and downright dangerous. I now recognize that for what it really was: the first stage of a serious hormonal/chemical imbalance. When winter came I crashed, and have since been trying to claw my way back out. Obviously I'm making some headway or I would not be talking about it (because we never want to talk about it when we are deep in the center).
For now I will continue the hiking and remember to take my vitamins every day. As the seasons change, so will my outdoor activities. My wish for myself is to continue to be optimistic.

Namaste.