In the previous months I had become a liar and a cheater. The lying was hard enough, the cheating didn't actually happen, but I came close enough for it to be wrong. I could have destroyed my marriage and everything that was dear to me.
Short story: my near infidelity saved my marriage (or common law relationship if you want to get technical).
Long story: an old friend re-entered my world a few months prior. This old friend and I have a history together that includes friendship, passion and sexual discovery and other things that are nobody's business. Through a tornado of emotions and reminiscing we made plans to meet. Discreetly, for old time's sake. It never happened. I put an end to it at the last second. I realized that this man, who has been in and out of my life since we were children, has always, always left a trail of destruction behind him when he leaves. This time was no different. He is poison to me, intentional or not. What really snapped me out of it was a drunken phone call one night with a dear friend, my confidant whom I had been telling all my secrets to. With a thick Jack Daniel's tongue he chewed my ass, told me I was stupid for looking for intimacy outside of my marriage and that I was better than that. Because I am better than that. He said many other things that night, he made me cry, and he made me think. I can not express how much that drunken phone call meant to me or how important his friendship is. Afterwards I asked myself several questions. What am I doing? What am I looking for? Am I searching for a feeling, physical or emotional? Am I trying to replace something? Am I happy with my life? I won't go into detail about how I answered all of those questions. I will tell you that had this old friend re-entered my world six months sooner or later the result would have been very different. Never in my life have I felt so confident and comfortable in my own skin, yet entirely vulnerable, as I have through the summer of 2014. It has been confusing, leaving me feeling more like an adolescent than a woman approaching 40.
One night while away from home I opened the door of communication with Eric that I hadn't realized I had closed. He was angry and hurt. The next day I cut my mini vacation short and rode the five hours home to be with him and try to explain what I had done and why. In typical male fashion, he assessed the problem and tried to figure out how to fix it. Because he fixes things and he is generally good at it. Through days of crying (me), grunting (him) and talking (both) we dug into the nitty-gritty of our relationship. What we discovered is that although I'm the one who screwed up the biggest, there were lots of little screw ups done by both of us over the years that we needed to work on if we were to have another 13+ years together. I finally told him how much I hate that he drinks as much as he does, how crushing it is to watch my birthday, Christmas, our anniversary, cruise right on by every year without him acknowledging that they are important. I also told him how much he means to me. We were so busy living our lives that we didn't notice we were falling apart.
The result, three weeks later: I am no longer looking for that thing that I thought I was missing when I started making all my bad decisions, because it was right here at home, just waiting for the unknown damage to be repaired. Eric has cut back his drinking, REALLY cut back his drinking. He doesn't sleep well at night but he no longer spends the first three hours or more of his day trying to fight off the hangover. We have made sex a priority. Almost daily. No excuses. We vowed to never be too busy for each other again. Eric still has moments where he lets his mind wander into the what-if's and becomes angry with me. When that happens he tells me, and I understand, and we talk through it. I would never expect him to just get over it, and am very thankful that he has the heart to forgive me even if he can't forget. Only a few weeks have gone by but I think we have gained some valuable relationship skills needed to continue with the rest of our lives. What's that old saying? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Eric is an amazing man. We used this opportunity, this incredibly negative moment, as a tool to make our lives better. Communication is they key, love conquers all.
