And hey, it's okay. I'm allowing myself to dwell in this negative place for a little while. I'm also allowing myself to express it to the world. The past Amy would have shoved this hurt deep down inside where it would fester. Inside I would be crying, but to the outside world I would look like I didn't give a shit, like a heartless bitch. I'm tired of trying to look so tough. I'm letting it out.
So today....
Today I became an aunt for the first time! Yay!!!!
A biological aunt that is. I have two nephews, and a niece on the way, mothered by my adopted sister. These words are not meant to minimize those relationships, they are unique, and they will understand that there is a distinct difference between family I choose to love (them) and the family that I share blood with. I don't have a whole lot of the latter, hence the importance.
My brother Brenton and his wife Stephanie had a baby girl today, January 30th, at 12:37pm. She weighed 7 pounds 3 ounces, 20.5 inches long. They named her Beau.
This info was all passed along to me by a non family member who was kind enough to understand that I would want to know. This non family member also took pictures of my new niece and sent them to me. They didn't have to do this, but being a friend of my family, they knew that I wouldn't find out any other way. So they took the risk of my brother being angry at them and shared with me anyways.
For reasons unknown to me, my brother has cut me out of his life. In the process he has manipulated our mother and his father (my step) into cutting me out as well. My relationship with my parents has been severely damaged as a result. Brenton does not want me to know anything about his life and insists that no one else tells me either. I have been pushed out of the family circle. Brenton is 17 years younger than me, and has always viewed me as an adult in the same category as our mother. When Brenton was young we had a great relationship. It's only been the last two years that he's decided I don't get to be in his life anymore. I did everything I could to repair our relationship. but gave up this year when I realized he only lets me back in long enough to hurt me again. I would give anything for it to be different.
Ideally, today I should be driving to Beaver. I should be visiting my sibling, holding and kissing my niece, counting her fingers and toes and laughing. I should be overwhelmed with the joy that this new life is bringing and celebrating with my family. I should know her middle name. I should be looking into her tiny little face for family traits like eye color and dimples and the shape of her lips. Instead I'm at home, cleaning an already clean house, and walking the dogs.
I no longer have a place in my own family.
I am heartbroken and I'm going to let myself feel the hurt.
