A Different Kind Of Heartache

As parents we will do anything to ease the pain of our children.
Every maternal instinct I have screams to me to make my oldest child's life easier. It's so hard watching him from a distance. Watching  him make his own way in the world. Watching him struggle with his insecurities and trying to find where he belongs. I want to wrap my arms around him and bring him back home where I can feed him and do his laundry and take away all the heartache that he has and will endure.
I am also aware that there are some things I just can't do for him. By helping him I would be doing harm. Every baby bird has to leave the nest. If the mama bird kept letting the baby return to the nest whenever flying became difficult, the baby bird would never learn the skills necessary for survival.
I have absolute confidence in Tristan's ability to survive. He's tough, he's smart with money, he's a hard worker. He's likable and funny. He's got this! He can do it! But when he calls me and I hear sadness in his voice all I can think about is him at 6 years old with his arms wrapped around my waist, telling me he will never leave me. If I allow myself to move through the memories of the years I will also remember Tristan at 15, 16 and 17 years old telling me with regularity that he hates me and can't wait until he can move out. Rough years indeed. Now, at 18, he once again wraps his arms around me and tells me he loves me. The ache in my heart is probably from the loss of the little boy that was.
He's right on the edge of truly discovering the freedom of being an adult. With opportunity and guts he can do anything he sets his mind to. Every day I cross my fingers that he explores the world as a single male before he finds a girlfriend.
Sigh.....this parenting thing is harder than I ever thought it would be. The rewards have been infinite and, if given the option, I would not go back and change the path I took that lead my boys and I to this day.
I remind myself that we all had to do it. We all left the nest and soared. Tristan will soar. I pray every day that he soars high, higher than I ever did.
Tristan will succeed. And every step of the way he will be calling to tell me about it.

Nobody said it was easy 
No one ever said it would be this hard
~ ColdPlay, The Scientist

 Please, don’t worry so much because in the end, none of us have very long on this Earth. Life is fleeting. And if you’re ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky, when the stars are strung across the velvety night. When a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day, make a wish. Think of me. Make your life spectacular, I know I did.

~ Robin Williams in the movie Jack