An Anniversary

Once upon a time I was the mother of three children. Now I am the mother of two.

No, I have not lost a child to death. It felt worse than that. I carry the grief of losing a loved one with a large helping of hatred stacked on top. I have not lost a child to death, so if you have, and you read this, do not take offense. This is my story and I'm allowed to feel and think and see the way I choose. I do not want to compare my grief to anyone else's. 

Tristan entered my world in 1995. Terek joined Tristan and I in 1998. In 2001 Chelsey, age 4, became my third child, and my only daughter. She fit right between my boys in age, and they quickly became buddies. It didn't take long for them to start acting like siblings. I fostered the love that grew between them. When they were little all three were inseparable, roaming the neighborhood playing games and laughing. Occasionally fighting.

For over ten years it was this way, with some changing and growing. Then on January 11th, 2012 she left and never came back.

Blending a family can be very delicate and I took the challenge of step-parent head on. My goal right from the beginning was to treat Chelsey as if she were my own, which included scolding, an occasional spanking, and chores along with hugs and kisses and bedtime stories (the last being a favorite for all of us). 

The past three years has been a progression of emotions. Anger (at myself, Eric, Chelsey and Jill), hatred, then sadness, remorse, and back to anger, then indifference. The indifference was a relief, but it didn't really end there either.

Fifteen is such a volatile age. The day Chelsey left she did it big, with a lot of crying and screaming, dragging many family members into the drama. It ended with her mother, Jill, pushing me out their front door and slamming the door in my face.

I don't think children shouldn't lie to their parents, but they do. When they get caught they should not get away with it. Especially when it's a whopper of a lie. Unfortunately Jill and I do not parent in the same style. 

In the first few months after she left, Chelsey played the victim card. Email and text messaging was the only way she would communicate with her dad. She repeatedly said things like "Amy's boys are treated better than me" and "I don't think (insert complaint here) is fair". Isn't that how every teenager feels? And she tried to emotionally manipulate Eric by playing the "if you loved me you would (insert some sort of monetary purchase here)". Eric is not the kind of dad who takes his daughter shopping. If that is how she feels, that love is purchased rather than given, then she's got something wrong with her thinking. 

This is not the girl that Eric and I had been raising with Jill for the previous decade. I found myself wondering what she was going through and how I could help. I continued to text her, just a simple hello, how are you, just to keep that communication open.

After a few months Chelsey cut off all communication with Eric and I. She would not return text messages or answer her phone. We still saw her in passing. She would stare at me if she happened to be picked up or dropped off from school at the same time I was getting Terek. We would pass them on the road while out running errands. These glimpses were like a dagger in my heart. I shed a lot of tears. Eric comforted me, but turned off his own emotions. 

Terek would see her in the halls at school and she would just glare at him. Her friends started bullying Terek. He started taking different hallways to his classes so he wouldn't bump into her. This was especially hard on him. He was two years old when she became his sister. He loved her. Her treatment broke his heart. This is when I began to hate her. 

I was trying to understand why she was so hateful towards Eric and I, but the attitude towards Terek was unacceptable. Who was this girl who could just sever ties as if those family members never meant anything to her?

June came and Eric received a Father's Day card in the mail, signed Chelsey AND Jill. Ouch.

July came and Eric got served. Jill sued for full custody, back child support, and a handful of other ridiculous things that she didn't get. It was obvious what was important to them: money and possessions. 

Friends, when/if you ever get divorced and a judge says something like "I hope I never see you two in here again. If you have disagreements try to work them out among yourselves". Don't listen. Even with documentation, emails, WRITTEN agreement, between Eric and Jill stating that neither party owed child support to the other due to joint custody, Eric still got nailed for that back child support. Chelsey's teenage temper tantrum cost us over $10k. 

Almost two years after the day she left I text her and got a response. She agreed to see me and we met at a little coffee shop. We talked for over an hour, then she went back to the house with me. She appeared to be surprised when she saw the entire house was packed up and nearly empty. I told her we were  moving. We sat on the kitchen floor and played with puppies and talked for another hour before she said she needed to leave. She hugged me, told me it was good to see me, and that she'd keep in touch. After she left I felt such a relief, as if everything was going to be okay.

I felt this was the turnaround point where our family could start to heal again.

The next day she blocked my phone number.

That day in November of 2013, just before Thanksgiving, was the last time either Eric or I have heard from her. 

The third anniversary of her departure from our family came and went. I spent a little time that day thinking about the last three years and how much we have changed. I'm still angry at her but it doesn't hurt as much, and it doesn't consume me the way it once did.

I know Chelsey has changed. That's a given, but I don't put too much thought into it. I just don't care anymore.

I wonder if she's ever thought about what SHE did to US. Did she ever consider what her absence did to Eric, to me, or to the boys? How our family dynamics changed? The daily routine that suddenly felt wrong because she was missing?

Children, teenagers, should know that their actions have consequences beyond themselves. They should learn that they don't get to hurt other people to get what they want. They especially need to learn coping skills when life gets hard. I believe Jill did Chelsey a disservice by letting her make all these decisions on her own. Eric and I did a lot of communicating with Jill during the first four months and it all came back to the same thing "what Chelsey wants is what she gets". Jill allowed Chelsey to run away from the problems at our home. Her lack of cooperation with Eric undermined his ability to parent.

Frequently, family or friends ask Eric or I if we have heard from Chelsey. They ask us how she is doing. When we tell them we don't know we get a variation of the same response. Something along the lines of "when she's older she'll want her dad in her life again" or "when she's more mature she'll come back around".

If you, yes YOU, have ever spoken those words to us, you are forgiven. Just know, we don't want to hear it anymore. Our lives have moved on.

I look around our home, our new home that Chelsey has never set foot in. There are family photos on the walls and she is in many of them. I look at them with a mixture of sadness and happiness. The fun stories they tell are what is important. Two of those children are a daily presence in my life still. They have become kind and independent men. I am proud of them.

As for Chelsey, I no longer have regrets. I did all I could do.